Welcome to a special post in the UnWrest Focus series looking at WarGames. We've already killed WarGames. So, why don't we just completely reinvent it to kill it some more? Let's take three teams with three guys. And let's go ahead and say "Whomever gets the pinfall is the #1 Contender to the WCW Championship." That's right. Screw the original "Submit or Surrender" stuff. No one cared for that. Pfff. We're doing pins now. And as far as teams go, well, there's a title shot on the line. So, it's winner takes all. No friends in this one. Also, we're going to have Hulk and Warrior in this. So we need a trap door in the cage. We also need smoke and pyro to come into the ring for Warrior.
If any of that sounds ever so slightly convoluted, then you know why people to this day have the deepest hate in the world for this match. I'm not calling all the moves on this one. Don't expect punch by kick by submission hold. I'm just calling it like I see it while this happens and making things up to make this match bearable.
LET THE ... WarGames? It's dead. LET THE IDIOCY BEGIN!
Fall Brawl '98
September 13, 1998
WarGames- #1 Contendership for WCW World Championship
Team WCW (Roddy Piper, Warrior, DDP) vs. Team nWo Hollywood (Hollywood Hogan, Stevie Ray, Bret Hart) vs. Team nWo Wolfpac (Kevin Nash, Sting, Lex Luger)
They pan out to the crowd showing a bunch of fans celebrating at ringside. They won't have much to celebrate after this one, unless you like celebrating the fact that you didn't try to get a refund.
Here's Michael Buffer. He's getting paid. He already called a WarGames with a freaking Shark, a man dressed like a zebra, a man with moons on his belly, and a guy dressed like an evil demon Hobbit from Lord of the Rings. It's not like he cares. As long as he gets paid, that's all he cares about.
This is also the last WarGames match with the double cage. That's right. This WarGames is so bad that even the cage said "screw it." And it's an inanimate object! And WCW decided we haven't wasted enough money getting Warrior and buying old Tonight Show sets. Let's just get those fireworks off one more time off the old girl for old times' sakes. Michael Buffer calls this a "special edition of WarGames." Oh, he has no idea how right he is. Or if he does, as I said earlier, he doesn't care. He states that the match can end anytime by pinfall or submission. Like someone's going to just win this before all these guys come out.
DDP and Bret Hart will start us off. Here comes the Yoga guy. DDP is going into the stands offering to do Diamond Cutters and Warrior poses with everyone. And I'm not talking about the wrestling stuff there. He's showing off that Jay-Z trademark there. DDP climbs the cage, notices there's a roof, and he decides to go back through the door. And here comes Bret Hart who probably wishes there was a way to get in a time machine and undo the last 12 months.
Bret and DDP are in the same ring. Hart works on the arm a bit. He's trying to force DDP into the Child's Pose. DDP is throwing punches, and he's not doing them slowly either. Page plants him with a Bayley-to-Bayley. He sees the future! Hart drops Page on the top turnbuckle. Page now is trying to do ab exercises on the mat. Does he ever stop?! Bret DDTs him on the mat. He rams DDP into the turnbuckle. I want your program for free! My God! Bret is choking DDP! "WHERE'S MY FREE COPY, PAGE?! I WANT A DIAMOND DOZEN!!!! DIAMOND DOZEN, DAMMIT!" Stomp to the face of DDDp. Page is fighting back!!! "YOU DON'T GET NO STINKING FREE COPY! YOU HAVE TO EARN IT BUD! POSITIVELY THINKING!!!" Bret goes back to work and hits a back breaker on Page. Suplex by Hart fails, and Page just sends him to the mat face first. "Dude. I ain't leaving my feet. IN DDP YOGA, YOU DON'T HAVE TO JUMP!" Knees to the stomach of Hart. Russian Leg Sweep by Bret Hart. Darn Canadians working with Putin already. Bret has Page on his knees. "GIVE ME A FREE DVD!" "NEVER!" DDP hits the Cactus Clothesline, and Mick Foley is still owed royalties somewhere.
Here comes Stevie Ray! Suckas Gots to Know! Stevie goes to work on Page. "GIVE HIM A DVD! GIVE HIM A DVD!" He now has Page choking on the ropes, just like this company will in 2.5 years. Bret and Stevie suffer... THE DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE POP OF THE NIGHT! And the crowd goes MILD! Stevie goes back to the attack on DDP. "Look. You don't have to give him a DVD. You just need to give me one now." The count is going down, and DDP is hoping for Jake Roberts or Scott Hall to come down. "Please God, don't let it be Tony Horton or Shaun T."
HERE COMES STING! And he's already dressed for Halloween Havoc. Stevie Ray attacks Sting when he gets in the ring. "Oh no you don't. That's my DVD to get!" AND STING DOESN'T WANT A STINKING DVD! Sting fights off Stevie Ray and throws his jacket off. He's undressing to fight folks! STING LEAPS FROM ONE RING TO THE OTHER TO CLOTHESLINE STEVIE RAY. Bret Hart is assaulting DDP in the corner, looking to get his DVD. Stinger Splash to Stevie Ray into the cage x2. Stevie Ray ducks on the third one, yelling at Sting "How's that taste?!"
HERE COMES RODDY PIPER! Piper's come here to chew bubblegum and get paid. And he's all out of bubblegum. And he's definitely not going to kick butt in 1998. Piper decks everyone, including Page. HE WANTS A DVD TOO! Piper hadn't moved that quickly since Goldust planted one on him. Speaking of which, Piper is biting at the ear of Stevie Ray inside a cage. Wow. That just got weird. Page just punched Piper. "You don't get nothing, Roddy!" Piper pokes Page in the eyes. Piper bites Sting now.
Here comes Lex Luger. Here comes Flexy Lexy. And now this match has deteriorated into a stomp, kick, stomp, kick, choke, punches, and overall general mess. Actually it would have to improve to be a mess. Hart gives Luger an Atomic Drop. Piper tries to put Stevie Ray to sleep for the most humanitarian thing that Piper ever did in his life. "You don't want Page's program, son. You don't even want to be in this match. Just sell this and lay out the next few moments. These fans sure wish they could."
Here comes Big Sexy Kevin Nash with pyro and A GIANT PENCIL! MY GOD! He's booking STARRCADE IN FRONT OF OUR VERY EYES! (I've always wanted a shirt with Goldberg's record being broken with the 1 being a pencil for Kevin Nash. WHY HASN'T ANYONE MADE THAT SHIRT YET?!) Nash goes after Piper. Being equal opportunity, Stevie Ray gets some as well. And here comes Hogan. He's not supposed to be out yet as there's a minute and a half left on the clock. But it's 1998 WCW. Do you think they honestly care at this point?! Hogan clocks Nash with... A BIGGER PENCIL! MY GOD! IT'S CREATIVE CONTROL! CREATIVE CONTROL! CREATIVE CONTROL!! Nash is down. Luger has the Torture Rack on Bret Hart. Bret Hart won't tap out because being in WCW for a year has already been torture for him. Hogan has been hitting everyone with a Slap Jack. He's hitting everyone with card games, the sick freak. Stevie Ray talks to Hogan. "Is it my time to lay for a 3 count, Hulk?" "No brother. Warrior's gonna come in, pound his chest, make loud sounds, raise his hands like he's at a revival, and tear his body up tonight. Then, I talked to Page. You do a Diamond Cutter sell for him. He'll get you that DVD, ok?" Stevie: "What about Bret Hart?" Hogan: "Brother, we got him in 1997. He's ours to beat until we decide to send Goldberg his way. Just do your job. Get it? Job. Bret don't get no stinking yoga, brother." And now everyone is down in the ring, playing dead, hoping to God that Hogan would go into business for himself tonight. The referees are even looking at him. "Look, I know Eric and the creative team had an idea. But if you pin a guy, I can count three and we can go home less miserable than we all are now." Hogan drags Nash to the corner of a ring. Hogan advances the need for the hip surgery with another leg drop to Nash. "HOGAN SUCKS!" from the crowd.
Here comes the smoke! My God! SNOOP DOGG IS IN THE HOUSE! It's the Warrior! No. That's the Renegade! The Ripoff Warrior is here! THERE'S MORE SMOKE! Somewhere in the back, Mean Gene is saying "Put that cigarette out!" The smoke stops, and there's no more Warrior in the cage. In fact, Hogan just has Warrior's jacket.
HERE COMES THE WARRIOR! Hogan and Stevie Ray get decked. Stevie Ray goes to attack Warrior, and The Disciple cuts in and struts Hogan out of the ring. They lock the cage door. Hogan: "Knock that referee out!" There's so much smoke in the air that I feel like this is taking place in Mexico City. Warrior just noticed that the door is locked. Warriro continues to walk around the ring focusing on Hogan. It's almost as if Warrior forgot where the cage was unhinged for his spot, and Hogan is leading him the way over. Warrior delivers a soft kick to the cage to prop the cage open! HEENAN: "NOTHING WILL STOP THIS MAN!" You're right Bobby. Nothing can stop this man. But Warrior limps to Hogan and tears a bicep! Back in the ring, Stevie goes to hit DDP with a Slap Jack, but DDP DOESN'T PLAY CARDS! He ducks, and Bret takes a dive out of a WIDELY MISSING Slap Jack attack by Stevie Ray. Diamond Cutter! 1-2-3! DDP ends this abomination. And Stevie Ray gets the free copy of DDP Yoga!
Winner: DDP
Match Rating: F--. And ladies and gentlemen, we have a (in Howard Finkel voice) NEW WORST WARGAMES MATCH EVER! Where do I start? This completely spit in the face of whatever was left of WarGames. In addition, there were too many botches to be ignored. Mistimed entrances that made WCW look like fools, goofy shenanigans with Warrior, run-ins from people not involved in the match, and an illogical ruleset that really didn't need to be held within WarGames itself. This is not just the worst WarGames match ever. This may be one of the worst Main Events ever.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
WarGames Ranked (Thus Far)1. WarGames (1992)- The Dangerous Alliance vs. Sting's Squadron
2. WarGames (1988)- Horsemen vs. Dusty's Team
3. WarGames (1991)- The Horsemen/Zbyzsko vs. Sting, The Steiners, and Pillman
4. WarGames I (1987)- The Four Horsemen vs. The Dream Team
5. WarGames (1994)- The Rhodes and The Nastys vs. The Stud Stable
6. WarGames (1989) - Road Warriors/ Midnight Express/Dr.Death vs. Freebirds/Samoans
7. WarGames (1996)- Team nWo vs. Team WCW
8. WarGames II (1987)- The Four Horsemen vs. The Superpowers
9. WarGames (1997)- Team WCW/Horsemen vs. Team nWo
10. WarGames (1993)- Sid, Vader, Harlem Heat vs. Sting, Bulldog, Dustin Rhodes, and Shockmaster
11. WarGames (1995)- Hulkamaniacs vs. The Dungeon of Doom
12. WarGames (1998)- Garbage
_ _ _ _
Believe it or not, there's only ONE WarGames match to cover for the WCW run of WarGames. And again, it's another bastardization of a once-great concept. Why not just throw Vince Russo into the mix, bro? Because that's what's coming up next.
Until next time, take care of yourselves, spread some awesomeness, and let's just get this last one done before we look at NXT's version.
If any of that sounds ever so slightly convoluted, then you know why people to this day have the deepest hate in the world for this match. I'm not calling all the moves on this one. Don't expect punch by kick by submission hold. I'm just calling it like I see it while this happens and making things up to make this match bearable.
LET THE ... WarGames? It's dead. LET THE IDIOCY BEGIN!
Fall Brawl '98
September 13, 1998
WarGames- #1 Contendership for WCW World Championship
Team WCW (Roddy Piper, Warrior, DDP) vs. Team nWo Hollywood (Hollywood Hogan, Stevie Ray, Bret Hart) vs. Team nWo Wolfpac (Kevin Nash, Sting, Lex Luger)
They pan out to the crowd showing a bunch of fans celebrating at ringside. They won't have much to celebrate after this one, unless you like celebrating the fact that you didn't try to get a refund.
Here's Michael Buffer. He's getting paid. He already called a WarGames with a freaking Shark, a man dressed like a zebra, a man with moons on his belly, and a guy dressed like an evil demon Hobbit from Lord of the Rings. It's not like he cares. As long as he gets paid, that's all he cares about.
This is also the last WarGames match with the double cage. That's right. This WarGames is so bad that even the cage said "screw it." And it's an inanimate object! And WCW decided we haven't wasted enough money getting Warrior and buying old Tonight Show sets. Let's just get those fireworks off one more time off the old girl for old times' sakes. Michael Buffer calls this a "special edition of WarGames." Oh, he has no idea how right he is. Or if he does, as I said earlier, he doesn't care. He states that the match can end anytime by pinfall or submission. Like someone's going to just win this before all these guys come out.
DDP and Bret Hart will start us off. Here comes the Yoga guy. DDP is going into the stands offering to do Diamond Cutters and Warrior poses with everyone. And I'm not talking about the wrestling stuff there. He's showing off that Jay-Z trademark there. DDP climbs the cage, notices there's a roof, and he decides to go back through the door. And here comes Bret Hart who probably wishes there was a way to get in a time machine and undo the last 12 months.
Bret and DDP are in the same ring. Hart works on the arm a bit. He's trying to force DDP into the Child's Pose. DDP is throwing punches, and he's not doing them slowly either. Page plants him with a Bayley-to-Bayley. He sees the future! Hart drops Page on the top turnbuckle. Page now is trying to do ab exercises on the mat. Does he ever stop?! Bret DDTs him on the mat. He rams DDP into the turnbuckle. I want your program for free! My God! Bret is choking DDP! "WHERE'S MY FREE COPY, PAGE?! I WANT A DIAMOND DOZEN!!!! DIAMOND DOZEN, DAMMIT!" Stomp to the face of DDDp. Page is fighting back!!! "YOU DON'T GET NO STINKING FREE COPY! YOU HAVE TO EARN IT BUD! POSITIVELY THINKING!!!" Bret goes back to work and hits a back breaker on Page. Suplex by Hart fails, and Page just sends him to the mat face first. "Dude. I ain't leaving my feet. IN DDP YOGA, YOU DON'T HAVE TO JUMP!" Knees to the stomach of Hart. Russian Leg Sweep by Bret Hart. Darn Canadians working with Putin already. Bret has Page on his knees. "GIVE ME A FREE DVD!" "NEVER!" DDP hits the Cactus Clothesline, and Mick Foley is still owed royalties somewhere.
Here comes Stevie Ray! Suckas Gots to Know! Stevie goes to work on Page. "GIVE HIM A DVD! GIVE HIM A DVD!" He now has Page choking on the ropes, just like this company will in 2.5 years. Bret and Stevie suffer... THE DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE POP OF THE NIGHT! And the crowd goes MILD! Stevie goes back to the attack on DDP. "Look. You don't have to give him a DVD. You just need to give me one now." The count is going down, and DDP is hoping for Jake Roberts or Scott Hall to come down. "Please God, don't let it be Tony Horton or Shaun T."
HERE COMES STING! And he's already dressed for Halloween Havoc. Stevie Ray attacks Sting when he gets in the ring. "Oh no you don't. That's my DVD to get!" AND STING DOESN'T WANT A STINKING DVD! Sting fights off Stevie Ray and throws his jacket off. He's undressing to fight folks! STING LEAPS FROM ONE RING TO THE OTHER TO CLOTHESLINE STEVIE RAY. Bret Hart is assaulting DDP in the corner, looking to get his DVD. Stinger Splash to Stevie Ray into the cage x2. Stevie Ray ducks on the third one, yelling at Sting "How's that taste?!"
HERE COMES RODDY PIPER! Piper's come here to chew bubblegum and get paid. And he's all out of bubblegum. And he's definitely not going to kick butt in 1998. Piper decks everyone, including Page. HE WANTS A DVD TOO! Piper hadn't moved that quickly since Goldust planted one on him. Speaking of which, Piper is biting at the ear of Stevie Ray inside a cage. Wow. That just got weird. Page just punched Piper. "You don't get nothing, Roddy!" Piper pokes Page in the eyes. Piper bites Sting now.
Here comes Lex Luger. Here comes Flexy Lexy. And now this match has deteriorated into a stomp, kick, stomp, kick, choke, punches, and overall general mess. Actually it would have to improve to be a mess. Hart gives Luger an Atomic Drop. Piper tries to put Stevie Ray to sleep for the most humanitarian thing that Piper ever did in his life. "You don't want Page's program, son. You don't even want to be in this match. Just sell this and lay out the next few moments. These fans sure wish they could."
Here comes Big Sexy Kevin Nash with pyro and A GIANT PENCIL! MY GOD! He's booking STARRCADE IN FRONT OF OUR VERY EYES! (I've always wanted a shirt with Goldberg's record being broken with the 1 being a pencil for Kevin Nash. WHY HASN'T ANYONE MADE THAT SHIRT YET?!) Nash goes after Piper. Being equal opportunity, Stevie Ray gets some as well. And here comes Hogan. He's not supposed to be out yet as there's a minute and a half left on the clock. But it's 1998 WCW. Do you think they honestly care at this point?! Hogan clocks Nash with... A BIGGER PENCIL! MY GOD! IT'S CREATIVE CONTROL! CREATIVE CONTROL! CREATIVE CONTROL!! Nash is down. Luger has the Torture Rack on Bret Hart. Bret Hart won't tap out because being in WCW for a year has already been torture for him. Hogan has been hitting everyone with a Slap Jack. He's hitting everyone with card games, the sick freak. Stevie Ray talks to Hogan. "Is it my time to lay for a 3 count, Hulk?" "No brother. Warrior's gonna come in, pound his chest, make loud sounds, raise his hands like he's at a revival, and tear his body up tonight. Then, I talked to Page. You do a Diamond Cutter sell for him. He'll get you that DVD, ok?" Stevie: "What about Bret Hart?" Hogan: "Brother, we got him in 1997. He's ours to beat until we decide to send Goldberg his way. Just do your job. Get it? Job. Bret don't get no stinking yoga, brother." And now everyone is down in the ring, playing dead, hoping to God that Hogan would go into business for himself tonight. The referees are even looking at him. "Look, I know Eric and the creative team had an idea. But if you pin a guy, I can count three and we can go home less miserable than we all are now." Hogan drags Nash to the corner of a ring. Hogan advances the need for the hip surgery with another leg drop to Nash. "HOGAN SUCKS!" from the crowd.
Here comes the smoke! My God! SNOOP DOGG IS IN THE HOUSE! It's the Warrior! No. That's the Renegade! The Ripoff Warrior is here! THERE'S MORE SMOKE! Somewhere in the back, Mean Gene is saying "Put that cigarette out!" The smoke stops, and there's no more Warrior in the cage. In fact, Hogan just has Warrior's jacket.
HERE COMES THE WARRIOR! Hogan and Stevie Ray get decked. Stevie Ray goes to attack Warrior, and The Disciple cuts in and struts Hogan out of the ring. They lock the cage door. Hogan: "Knock that referee out!" There's so much smoke in the air that I feel like this is taking place in Mexico City. Warrior just noticed that the door is locked. Warriro continues to walk around the ring focusing on Hogan. It's almost as if Warrior forgot where the cage was unhinged for his spot, and Hogan is leading him the way over. Warrior delivers a soft kick to the cage to prop the cage open! HEENAN: "NOTHING WILL STOP THIS MAN!" You're right Bobby. Nothing can stop this man. But Warrior limps to Hogan and tears a bicep! Back in the ring, Stevie goes to hit DDP with a Slap Jack, but DDP DOESN'T PLAY CARDS! He ducks, and Bret takes a dive out of a WIDELY MISSING Slap Jack attack by Stevie Ray. Diamond Cutter! 1-2-3! DDP ends this abomination. And Stevie Ray gets the free copy of DDP Yoga!
Winner: DDP
Match Rating: F--. And ladies and gentlemen, we have a (in Howard Finkel voice) NEW WORST WARGAMES MATCH EVER! Where do I start? This completely spit in the face of whatever was left of WarGames. In addition, there were too many botches to be ignored. Mistimed entrances that made WCW look like fools, goofy shenanigans with Warrior, run-ins from people not involved in the match, and an illogical ruleset that really didn't need to be held within WarGames itself. This is not just the worst WarGames match ever. This may be one of the worst Main Events ever.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
WarGames Ranked (Thus Far)1. WarGames (1992)- The Dangerous Alliance vs. Sting's Squadron
2. WarGames (1988)- Horsemen vs. Dusty's Team
3. WarGames (1991)- The Horsemen/Zbyzsko vs. Sting, The Steiners, and Pillman
4. WarGames I (1987)- The Four Horsemen vs. The Dream Team
5. WarGames (1994)- The Rhodes and The Nastys vs. The Stud Stable
6. WarGames (1989) - Road Warriors/ Midnight Express/Dr.Death vs. Freebirds/Samoans
7. WarGames (1996)- Team nWo vs. Team WCW
8. WarGames II (1987)- The Four Horsemen vs. The Superpowers
9. WarGames (1997)- Team WCW/Horsemen vs. Team nWo
10. WarGames (1993)- Sid, Vader, Harlem Heat vs. Sting, Bulldog, Dustin Rhodes, and Shockmaster
11. WarGames (1995)- Hulkamaniacs vs. The Dungeon of Doom
12. WarGames (1998)- Garbage
_ _ _ _
Believe it or not, there's only ONE WarGames match to cover for the WCW run of WarGames. And again, it's another bastardization of a once-great concept. Why not just throw Vince Russo into the mix, bro? Because that's what's coming up next.
Until next time, take care of yourselves, spread some awesomeness, and let's just get this last one done before we look at NXT's version.
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